I’m not a trained professional on the matter of psychology or philosophy but I do feel pretty confident in my opinion concerning the matter discussed in this article. However; when I give advice, guidance, or instructions within the articles I write you can do one of two things. Take it or leave it….LOL! More may choose to leave it than take it and that’s okay. I enjoy what I do.
I think one of the biggest issues affecting marriage today is the non-use of the "Forgotten Function". In fact, I think the lack of its use is a major contributor to the divorce rate today. As I reflected on some of the comments left by readers of the “Is this Love” blog, I found one readers comment that read, “Love is more than just an emotion, feeling or desire toward something or someone. It is a commitment” - Anonymous. I agree with that comment. Commitment is something not too many people are willing to make these days. They want to say they’ll commit but when the road starts to get a little bumpy their commitment level goes south real fast. They start asking question like what did I do, why did I do this or what in the world was I thinking, what have I done? And one of the first things they want to know is how do I get out? Now you’re sitting there asking yourself, what does commitment have to do with the "Forgotten Function"? They have a connection. But commitment is well on its way to being a forgotten feature itself.
Researching marriage in America, I found that over the last 20 years the divorce rate has been declining. With that said, we are still seeing over ½ of marriages end in divorce. How, you ask, can the divorce rate decline yet the number of divorces still increase? It’s easy to answer….people aren’t getting married. Again, the lack of commitment is present. But of those entering into marriage, over half will end up in a court room somewhere. But what’s the cause of divorce? Why can’t couples stay committed to each other? We hear of the failure rate, we hear of the percentages that end up in divorce and all the drama that goes along with it. But what is the true cause? According to Abhijit Naik, a columnist for Buzzle.com, the number one reason for divorce in America is the lack of communication. Lack of communication, really? Now I know everyone reading this is thinking the same thing I am. That can’t be. The number one reason for divorce in America is he/she was cheating! But think about it….why was he/she cheating? Where did the breakdown start? What was missing? Three things were missing....commitment, communication and the "Forgotten Function".
If you stop and think about it for just a moment, when you started dating your spouse, how many times a day did you talk? You were either on the phone, texting, chatting or sitting next to each other with some sort of conversation taking place. There was some communicating going on. You were telling him/her about your day, he/she was telling you about theirs. You opened up and shared things. You shared ideas, concerns, faith, dreams, and goals that each of you had. Many of the things shared were in common with the other and at some point there was a connection that just couldn’t be broken. When you were talking to each other things just worked out. When you were communicating with each other the issues that came up, big or small, really didn’t seem to matter because you could discuss it, you could share it with each other. And on those days when you didn’t hear from that special someone, you missed them. Not only did you miss them but you missed what you shared…you missed the time together with him/her. You missed that commitment to communication that had been established.
Now, however many years later it is in your life, you have a major disconnect and things have changed between you. Maybe it was a huge argument or fight, a financial issue, an addiction that you found out about, maybe things got physical. All of which are contributing factors that are driving divorce in America. But whatever it was with you two you both stop talking. You stop sharing, and you started blaming each other, you started undermining and down grading each other and more sooner than later you grew apart. Now you don’t feel the same as you did 5, 10, 15, 20 years ago. Now you’re in this place of doubt and you start telling yourself negative things about your spouse and about your marriage. You start seeing your spouse as a problem, a worry, a hindrance. At the same time you’re telling yourself and maybe others how bad things are, deep down inside you’re thinking maybe there’s a chance, maybe there’s hope of us having that time together. Deep down you’re longing for that moment you can express yourself to him/her like you used to. But you never really get back to the place where you could feel safe with each other and just talk. The question that so many people want answered is, how do I get it back? How do I regain the trust or openness that we shared? How do I start trusting again and opening up and allow my spouse to really know how I feel? How do I begin a new commitment and start communicating again? This is where you have to learn how to use the "Forgotten Function".
You’ve got to FORGIVE. I think forgiveness is the function that so many are missing in their relationships. It's a tool that most don't want to use because it requires them to give up something no one wants to let go of....power. They don't want to forgive because if they do they feel like it gives the receiver of forgiveness a way out, like they've been let off the hook so to speak. But it's just the opposite. When forgiveness is given it actually releases the giver. When couples learn how to use this lost art they begin to rid themselves of stress, anxiety and many other pains weighing them down. Now, notice I didn’t say forget. But when you truly forgive someone there tends to be a point that you don’t bring the issue up and rub it in their face anymore. At some point forgiveness does include forgetting....just wanted to throw that in there.
Commitment, Forgiveness and Communication all work together with each other. You can’t have one without the other. I mean, how can you make a commitment without having to forgive at some point? How do you forgive and not communicate it? It’s like a circle….it just keeps going. The question I asked in an earlier blog was, "Is this love"? I think it is. I think love includes the use of all three of the functions mentioned.
You want to freak out your spouse? Put the kids to bed, turn the TV off, turn the lights down low, put some soft music on, ( I feel a Barry White moment coming) take him/her by the hand, sit him/her on the couch, and ask him/her one simple, little question. How was your day? No excuses....Commitment, Communication and the use of the "Forgotten Function", Forgiveness.
Just my thoughts on a page…..
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