Last month Donna and I had the privilege to attend an amazing marriage retreat. We stayed in a lovely bed and breakfast in Jefferson, Texas, that had a beautiful antique bedroom suite. On the walls of our room were old pictures of people from the 1800’s and letters from previous guest that had stayed in the room we occupied.
The main house was more of a museum than a home. It was filled with old antique furniture and stained glass, an old piano set in one of the rooms with old worn song books resting on top. One of the bedrooms had an old hide a way bed with a mirror on the bottom. When the bed was folded up it looked more like a large armoire than a bed. It was a beautiful piece of furniture.
Okay, enough about the furniture and the house. Let’s talk about the event and the activities involved. What an amazing time we had. We went on a scavenger hunt and bought little trinkets that reminded us of our family, our childhood, our first date and our wedding day. We had a blast walking around this little antique town, talking to each other and just relaxing. We met some pretty amazing people, heard some really inspiring stories and participated in an activity that we’ve never done before at a marriage retreat.
This activity required skills in listening, communicating, support, leading, and last but not least, trust. Aren’t these the skills we need in our marriages today? This one event allowed us to use each one of these skills at the same time. While we were participating, we discussed how our marriage could benefit from these same “steps”, if we would take the time to “practice”. I know the suspense is killing you, so I’ll tell you…we were introduced to ballroom dancing!
Ballroom dancing, how can ballroom dancing help you in your marriage? It helps in each one of the categories I mentioned earlier. Listening, communicating what you’re hearing, leading your partner in the right direction, guiding each other around obstacles that may be in the way, supporting each other by holding them up, and trusting each other with each step made.
It was a funny sight to see Donna and me trying to learn the steps of ballroom dancing. I’ll briefly give you an idea of what we looked like. Who remembers the episode of Seinfeld where Elaine started dancing? Do you remember what George had to say about it when he was explaining the scene to Jerry? He said, “It was more like a full body dry heave set to music”, well that was us. We were off beat, Donna was trying to look over her shoulder, I’m looking down at my feet, we’re both trying to count and walk at the same time…it was awful, just awful. But you know what we did? We stopped, we laughed, we caught our breath, and we refocused and started over. By the end of the class we were swaying, twisting and turning like we were Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. Okay, that’s stretching it a little, but we did get better.
As we stopped, which we did numerous times, we would reflect on what the instructor taught us. Count the steps, listen to the beat, and let the husband lead and the wife follow. That was probably the hardest thing for two very independent people to do. I wanted to lead, but Donna wanted to know where she was going so she was constantly looking over her shoulder. This caused us to get out of step and walk on each other’s feet. While I was trying to lead, I would have to slow down because other people were in my way. I had obstacles that I had to move around, but when I slowed down I would lose the beat and have to stop. But you know what? We weren’t the only ones out of step. There were others who were struggling with the same issues. It was then that it hit me. Everyone is dealing with something in their life that affects their marriage. But you know what I saw that really amazed me? Not one couple split up over the issue. Each couple that had a problem did the exact same thing Donna and I did. They stopped, laughed, refocused and started over.
I’ve got more to say on this subject, so be looking for part two.
Just my thoughts on a page…
I signed up for ballroom dancing classes, too, because I figured it would be a way to force my Work-a-holic husband to do something with me! The first class they separated the partners to teach us our steps. Then they put us with our partners and set us out to the music. I'm a musician; my husband is tone-deaf and has ZERO sense of rhythm. He gripped me like Frankenstein, and danced just as stiffly. I struggled, because it was so difficult for me to dance OFF the beat(s). The more I struggled, the harder he gripped, until my hands were white from lack of circulation. "Stop trying to lead!" he said, and I explained that I didn't mean to, but that we were missing the downbeat. "What do you mean, a 'downbeat'?" So I demonstrated by counting ONE two three, ONE two three, etc. He had no idea what the heck I was talking about, could not feel it, hear it, or get it. So I finally just gave up on trying to convey this to my 60 year old husband, and we sort of danced in our own universe on the ballroom floor with other couples. Some of them were so graceful, perfect, others like us, stumbling, but moving. I figured that it was a good metaphor for marriage: It's not always what you expect, but at least you are out there dancing together, trying, learning to give, take, trust, and just enjoy the experience as it happens.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great metaphor! I love it! Thanks for posting.
ReplyDeleteNever tried ballroom dancing with my wife. Maybe we need to try it. I can't help but smile while reading your post, because it gives a good mental picture of the episode. I can see us doing the same thing, with a lot of laughs.
ReplyDeleteBro. DL